My 3 Musketeers: Uddeen, Ayesha and Aziem

On Saturday afternoon, 3 small heads will be popping around the garden of our wondrous 5 acre lot, checking periodically at the bridge beyond the river. They would hear the horses and sheep as they would wail, cry and even shout to the arrival of a 900 ton monster in white.

Waiting patiently by the balcony and even behind bushes, finally the gargantuan white monster has arrived, giving out a loud creaking voice like an old rusty truck that has seen better days before, the sound as you would notice would give away it's presence and it's age, and it's age, it's age is that of very old has it stayed with this family. the person driving it was even older.

As the white monster came about,  making itself comfortable under the shady artificial perches facing the hills and also the river beyond, the loud creaking voices it would make suddenly came to a stop, signalling that it's a sleep. And so the rider then came out.

Slim and skinny, with shadows under his eyes, a beard that would have seen better ages, and the most irresistible smile as some folk would say, waiting was the 3 young ones for this man was. 

As the young - man - with - old - and - pale - features came scurrying about his belongings, a huge satchel which he would use to keep his belongings and a large case where he place his most trusted weapon, the eldest of the 3 came galloping forward, eager to help carry what treasures this old one has brought back.

The young man would then enter his room, as neat as it was the day he left it, and proceed to removing the items in his satchel.

The 3 would then burst into his room, celebrating by jumping up and down on the bed and floors for they know that there will be fun and happiness and excitement in the presence of the young man and his prize possessions. 

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That is the norm as I would come home. There was never a silent moment at my arrival.

The sounds of Aziem asking whether I bought him any presents or Fiddauddeen asking whether he can borrow my laptop and play games or my little Nadiya asking whether I could accompany her shopping and help her with her arts and crafts.

My parents have been, and I forgive them for it, been busy with work. I know that they may have to be committed to certain agendas that may put the little "Malaysian" siblings aside for a moment.

As I get older, I realize many of the experiences and adventures I had during my childhood could not be experienced by my 3 smaller siblings. My childhood as I vaguely remember was filled with the most thrilling things that made me appreciate the little time I had with my ever growing family.

When I was a small boy, I remember going to Disneyland, Florida. I would run away from the gigantic teddy bear, while my sister and my mum would pull me to take a picture together. I had the fun of being tutored personally on how to swim by my dad, I would climb his back and paddle, my dad would toss me high into the sky and I would sky dive into the swimming pool. I remember proudly bringing my mum to my class in Virginia, I would show off to my friends how my mum was cooler than theirs (she looked like a ninja!!!), and she would tell a story about Malaysia and my friends would listen intently, I even had the pleasure of bringing my mum over for my birthday at school.

Nadiya learning how to skate -
next week we'll go again

We were a close - knitted family then. So close that it would be hard to imagine how my siblings felt while my parents were busy with work.

And thus it came to my realization that I wanted the same thing for my little siblings too. A few weeks ago, Nadiya asked me to become her "parent" for family day. I was caught off-guard, I had classes on that day, her eyes were glittering with hope. My dad used to tell me that if you wanted to tell something important to a child you should lower your body so you will be at eye level with the child and they would see you as a friend rather than looking from above like a grumpy - grown up.

And so, I stooped to her level and held her hands and speak, explaining clearly that I couldn't come. her face would change to a disappointment, but the good news I told her was that next time I'll promise to bring her out Ice - Skating when I come back home. Her face quickly brightened and she hurried to find her memo and jot down that promise I made to her.

Fiddauddeen would keep himself locked up in his room upstairs without taking notice of the events below, he would either be reading a novel that is more advance than his age, study or play games. How lonely has he been up there? When I was his age I couldn't fathom being separated from my sister, I would tally her wherever she would go from her hobbies to the school she went up to the point I almost wanted to go to the same University.That bond we shared was a power - boost for me during my hard times.

As I looked up, I wonder how does it feel like to be him? Mum and Dad would ask so much from Fiddauddeen from athletics to studies to also being the elder brother while the other 4 of us (Naf, me, Afaf and Mujahid) are gone pursuing our dreams. Has the burden of becoming a brother so fast for him that he shut himself up in his room to run away from these problems and immerse in the books and imaginations he had upstairs? Was he hoping a helping hand from the 4 of us? I never really understood Uddeen. In the end did the high scores in exams and gold medals really meant anything to him? 

When I was a young boy, I had an eye for creation and inventions. My dad realized this and bought me a lego set, then it expanded to the mind storm Lego set with which I finally won my first ever Robotics competition and now as I told my dad that I wanted to become a Computer Software Engineer, he bought me a 2.7k Desktop intel i5 with GTX graphic cards. When my mum knew that my asthma was severe, she would insist that I don't push myself in sports, but I was stubborn, I wanted to show that I was as capable as any other kid in sports, so she found an alternative, swimming and archery. I had it more in archery than in swimming, I would tell my mum I wanted to do archery and she would buy me a 3k Compound Semi Hunting bow, with full knowledge that I might not be able to win anything with it, but she told me she could sense my passion in it, that's why she bought it. 

In Uddeen's case, is it a repetition of what we 4 wanted or was that really what he wanted all his life? Is he afraid to tell our parents what he really wanted for fear that he might be different and cast in our shadow? That, evening I would call him down and tell him why don't we play outside? He would offer to play basketball and badminton. We had a duel on his behest, with me coming out victorious of course. But the smile of satisfaction of playing with me was brighter than what I could tell. It was him who wanted to play badminton with not the other way around. Nightfall, we would gather in my room and I would teach him the latest tactics in Skyrim and Torchlight. how awful it felt that his level was over mine. He would ask me what would be the best way to fight bosses and gain loots. It was this short time he was out of his room and downstairs. And when I told him play time was up, he would willingly comply and asked whether we could play again, to which I agreed.

Let's go exploring outside!!!

Aziem was the most thrilled one when I came back home, to the point if I didn't came back for some time he would ask my mum where I was. At a very young age he had to go to kindergarten because our parents were working. I only remembered going to kindergarten periodically and seldom I think more than a year I would be at school at his age. 

When I was young my parents were young too, so many of the fun things I could do could be enjoyed by them also. But as time passes, and I'm growing up, they are getting older and maybe lack the energy they used to have. I once played PlayStation with my dad, he would even go as far as buying me games he thought was cool like Football, Digimon World and Street Fighter to the point we could be up all night. The real thrill of playing with my dad wasn't the fact that he would buy games, but the fact he would actually give time to play with me even though he was an adult. It made you felt happy and exciting when we played, that somehow adults can become children.

Coming back home, I will try and make a point of being with Aziem as much as possible. There was this one time he wanted to see me play a horrific zombie game, he was gripping my hand, and yet I was laughing as I shot down the zombies and he would clap in excitement. Can I become a companion to Aziem and make him feel happy the same way how my father did? Was he searching for companionship and friends to play with him? Was his time filled with joy and happiness? One night, Aziem saw me doing my assignment on my laptop, he asked what I was doing, I replied it was homework. he didn't looked too happy at that reply, but nevertheless he took a Dinosaur children's book. he would flip the pages and ask me what were the dinosaurs in each page. I would stop momentarily from my work and tell him, he would repeat it over and over again, till some point he slept right next to me. I went into my bedroom and grabbed my pillow and blanket. I covered him with a blanket and slept next to him, he snug towards my pillow, crickets chirped outside as night passes.

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I have 3 adorable little siblings whom I think, was't able to go through the childhood I went through due to certain complications. I don't, and would never blame my parents for the differences in childhood experiences I had with them. If anything, I believe I should be responsible now for creating the childhood memories of my younger siblings, to be there when they ask for help, to let them show me what they truly want and to be there friend when others won't. 

Maybe I can't create an exact replica of the childhood I had with them but I promise, I'll come back home as often as I can and continue to play with them and make their childhood as memorable as I can, that is what a big brother does. =) 

A Brother Like No Other

There are 3 things I will pray for you:

"The Right way to obtain success,

The Achievement of becoming successful,

And the Strength to continue after you have succeeded " 

Calm - Calculating - Core 

My head was full with dandruff as I scratched . A thousand different things were swirling in my head. I have just walked out barely triumph  with the "Defending Finalist" title for the Rector's Cup the other day. I thought I was dead that day, maybe I was wrong. Now I have quizzes and exams to study for, assignments to be handed out and programs to attend to. 

But non of these things bothered me more with what is about to happen this 21st. It might not even concern me, but somehow I was worried about my little brother's SPM exam results. It seemed like a whole joke that I wasn't worry with my own problems to begin with, but unlike my brother, I was different, I had to console disappointment the hard way, and in that it made me stronger.

The first of my little brothers, 3rd among a long line of  seven siblings, considered to be the "cold-calculative" type with god-knows-what diabolical plans are in his head, the "middle-one" or "moderate", always doing things base on logical reasoning, his "reasoning" of course. He'll be the like the guy who shuts himself in his room. Serious, sometimes sensitive, with a great skill of getting what he wants either to talking and arguing

at Padang Indonesia, besides a dam

or some malicious plan of his.

You'll be surprised how different we are. I have straight hair, his is curly. I'm sometimes playful, he's always seems serious and mature. He knows what he wants and how to act for it, I hardly know sometimes what I want let alone what to do about it. It's like if we stood next to each other you'll say he is the elder one, like he's my brother and is instead the one taking care of me rather than the other way around. And that's what worries me.

Both of us we're raised in  very different environments. Part of my life was bent on taking care of the other smaller siblings while he looked from the sidelines sometimes. Much of the responsibility of becoming a brother in the family was on me while he might be stuck in his room reading. I stayed at a hostel during my high school years, he was able to stay at home. When I started high school I was with nothing except my sister to help, he started with everything because everyone knew him as the "Principal's son". He had a simple life, I had "a somewhat harder" one. It was this difference of experience that worried me.

The nights we spent, all bruised and tired

I remembered the time, when both of us went to a trip at Padang, Indonesia. I would always frantically run around worrying whether or not Fattah had everything he needed, if he had forgotten something, if he was not telling me something. He'll go like your usual absent no worry face. Another time was when we first teamed up together for the first time at the CFS Open Debate Tournament. He always looked at me first before thinking anything, even I was sometimes baffled with the topics we debated about. There was another time me and him, with some other siblings we're home while our parents left. He just had a surgery on his intestine and he wanted to eat Maggi!!! I had to take out my belt and threaten to scar him if he didn't stop acting like an idiot and go back to his room. Could you believe it?!!! it was like he never didn't learn the lesson of eating healthy food yet even after a surgery. I always thought: what was this guy thinking about? And it was these moments with my siblings that I had to have the will to lead forward like a brother should.

IIUM Open Debate our annual teaming up

Remembering these events made me laugh. I didn't know when the turning point was. The Debates and Programs we had together? The constant show of anger and disagreement we had for each other? Or the same views and objectives we wanted for our life? Or was it just him somehow being more mature than I thought. whatever it was, the difference before this made the bond of brotherhood between us stronger. 

I remembered the time when we went for a debate tournament. Every year we'll team up and recreate Team Fauzi. without even saying it, the judge guessed that we were brothers because it was like we were a perfect team. He would hear my views more, I would listen to him. We would know when to talk about something and when to keep silent about it. We could assume what each of us were thinking about without talking about it. And for some very funny reason we would sound like we knew each other even though the time spent was short. I remembered my pupils telling me this during a debate training and one of them envied the way I talked with Fattah, like our bond was strong,

To me, he was like a brother like no other, complimenting each other. In the family, he'll be Mr Ustaz and telling all of our siblings about religion and what is right or wrong, while I'll be the one to have fun and play with. He'll be talking about hard stances like anti - facebook and protest, while I'll be talking about soft stances like stay at home use the internet as long as you don't forget to pray and don't go to protest. He'll be talking about you should only take things from Sahih Bukhari, I'll say that Fadhilat Amal is not such a bad idea. 

A brother like no other

On a monthly basis, we would meet up and talk about the issues pertaining our family, our plans, and our future. Like we were plotting something and it was going to change the world, which it would. We would have different views on the world, different ways to obtain it, but what we can agree is the end goal. 

I remembered the moment he became the semi-finalist for the IIUM Debate, I cried for him as though it was my lost, because I worry he wouldn't be able to go through it.

That feeling is worrying me now. 

It was this moment where it's a make - or - break in which I'm not there to help him nor remind him what he has forgotten or if he's doing something wrong. And so I pray: I pray that he finds the right path to success, that he achieves success and if otherwise, have the strength to to move beyond that success.       

I am Grateful to Allah, that among all the people in the world He choose you to be my younger brother, Fattah. Whatever happens, I'll be sure to support you, the same way how you would support me. 

I am Grateful that I made it Home

Alhamdullillah, praise to Allah s.w.t that yesterday I was able to reach home safely.

I am grateful that yesterday I was finally able to celebrate Nadiya's 8th birthday.

Ergo, before this, I wasn't able to come to Aziem's or Udden's Birthday, so this time I made an effort to come to Nadiya's birthday, better put my face somewhere.

I am grateful that I had enough money to buy all 3 of them presents, although it reached more than the budget I had expected, it was still enough to get me back to my house, the taxi driver was asking where in the world my house was, it seemed it was at the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the forest.

I bought Nadiya a nice little pink rabbit, I wanted to remind her about me, so I thought to myself, a stuffed rabbit would do!

As a brother, I am grateful that I remembered how adorable and naughty my siblings can be, if you buy a present for one of them, you have to buy for the others. I bought Ben 10 action figures both for Aziem and Udden, both looked delighted at there new toys.

Only Nuaim wasn't home yet, being in the middle between the two factions of "seniors" and "juniors" in the family, he was best of both worlds. There was some problems regarding his ticket back to Malaysia, alas, I'm grateful that he is still alright, he didn't even whine about it, he just said that if worst case scenario, he would celebrate at Bandung. He is so cheerful.
 
Ergo, I hope to see everyone this Eidul Fitri, This year I'll be the one driving back to "Kampung", I'm already a pro in long distance driving, my mum even went on calling me a very "ethical" driver. Thanks Ummi.


I am grateful to be home.